Arrogance

How arrogant am I?

To think, to perceive that I have made any impact on your life, that my personal imput has somehow altered the way you want to live your life?

Upon reflection on my past relationships and where they are in their lives, I have arrogantly, and in an effort to regain some self-respect implied to myself, that I had an impact on their lives, that if it were not for me and my strange views of the world and life. That this mere mortal would not have come to the realisation that they are in fact in love with someone else, or that they should take that trip, that leap of faith or just learn to love themselves a little more.

My arrogance has consumed me, I peel away the layers of supposed impacts, and I am left with nothing but a scared yet stubborn little girl that would rather freeze than ask for a blanket.

Should I learn to receive as well?

Kindle

Sitting here in the dark looking at the embers slowly burning out...
I am happy watching the fire smolder...

Then...

The dream walker creeps in, in the dead of the night and adds kindling...
The fire roars up and consumes me...
It burns my soul, searing my heart.
I wish I had doused the fire completely...
Wish I had emptied the bucket of tears over it, killing it...

Oh, I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight...

Let the fire be...

Let it smolder in peace...

The dream walker only adds kindling, never stoking the fire...
He does not tend it, he walks away...
His fire is not mine to have...

The embers slowly burn waiting for the day walker.
My hero...

For him to sweep me off my feet, to stoke and tend the fire.
To make it burn with passion and love, never afraid to stand up and add a big log.
The log that burns for eternity...

The day walker will come. I have only one question.

Will I let him in?
Will I let him add kindling to the embers, slowly fanning the flames making my soul burn...
I know he will be there to protect my aching heart from those flames.
To guard my heart, with all his might...

I know HE will be my savior...
My day walker...

Dream Walker

I can hear the cars passing by will the man in my dreams stop?

Will he ask me to open the gate?
The gate to my soul, which I have barricaded.
If he does, will I open it again?
Am I prepared for the hurt again?
My lips still burn from our last embrace...

My heart can only take so much.
I hope he stops only to ask for directions to someone else.
That way I can make peace with his unwillingness to love me.
The way I love him.
I asses and make choices which are in my best interest, then he comes along.
He ruptures my soul and makes me do silly things that hurt me in the end…

Oh I wish I could stand up to my hearts whims, tell him no. Go away…
I would be crushed if he does… I am crushed; the mere thought of him not being in my dreams anymore makes me want to weep…
Relieved now that he doesn’t have the courage to stop and ask for my love…
I am willing to once again give directions…
It’s safer.

Beautiful Confusion

This must be it. What a vampire feels like seconds before death, that brief moment of the stake piercing the heart.
I have no reason, no right to feel this pain…
Oh woe hath befallen me and I have no cause or cure…

I feel ill, how can I not be content within myself and let life run its due course.
Why does my heart want more?

I stand, trying to synchronize thought with feeling to come to a mutual understanding of where, how and what the way forward is.

Life seems so perilous a journey.
True happiness comes from within,
so within I retreat to gather my thoughts to find my happy self.

To treasure it and relish this gift, with loneliness, my new companion.

Beautiful confusion reigns still.

Fragility

Fragility,

What is this feeling?
I’m sure I’ve never felt before.
A sense of longing overwhelms me now.
How do I sleep so sound with this madness, this fight going on inside?
To let the possibility of having some purpose slip though my sleep fogged mind.

I feel so fragile, so broken hearted.
Why?
You have probably found a warm bed.
Now, I shall take my pain and CRUSH it.
It makes me weak.
No one will do that to me again.
Not even you, my beautiful, beautiful friend.

I know I’m stronger than this.
I have to be.
I have scarred my heart one too many times.
I will not mourn this loss I will not regret my daze.

Such is life.
Solitude: my answer.